happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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