I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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