she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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