The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
