Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
