I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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