Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's blow job season.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
