Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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