Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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