so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
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She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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