she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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