member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
