How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i think my cat just said my name.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
