my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
