i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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