I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm passing your future prison.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she told me i tasted like america
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
