when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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