I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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