So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
