3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
