fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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