I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
