Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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