Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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