i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we're so committed to being not committed
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
