my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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