She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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