she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
