I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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