What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
