my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
