He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
