I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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