made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
