I haven't been this sober since birth.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
