At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
