Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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