She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
