I haven't been this sober since birth.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
