Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
