I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Randomize
