Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
