I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
