highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
well you can't waste a boner
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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