My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
