Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
