i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
