my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
