Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
