Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
