I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
