Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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