I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
