so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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