its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
is it fun? or sober?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
