My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
