I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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