i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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