My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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