I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
