Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
