i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
did i walk over a car last night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
