i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
