She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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